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Author Topic: Cutstuff Sanctuary  (Read 54963 times)

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October 27, 2016, 07:05:25 PM
Reply #345

Offline Mendez

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Re: Cutstuff Sanctuary
« Reply #345 on: October 27, 2016, 07:05:25 PM »
Spoiler for Hiden:
It could be manic depression a.k.a. bipolar disorder, but I'm not sure.
There's plenty of articles on it, so maybe you can google it sometime.
As for me
Spoiler for Hiden:
It's funny how everyone mentions death when I've already lost an uncle and a grandfather in the past year. I know I should feel bad, but I rarely spent time with either person. I think it's because I've kept myself so sheltered that people hardly know anything about me anymore. They know I go to a lab everyday, and that I'm super smart, but that's where the story ends.
I'm not gonna consider myself boring, but I'm gonna consider myself a tiny bit sociopathic based on the way I lie and manipulate my way through life sometimes.
Last night, I gave a junkie $1 so he could bug off and he told me it was for a train ticket. He didn't even buy a ticket, he just walked away from the train station and looked for another dollar to fuel his addiction. I'd rather not talk about the bad thoughts it produced in my head, but damn if I didn't turn a bit more conservative that night.

October 27, 2016, 08:24:22 PM
Reply #346

Offline ambrose

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Re: Cutstuff Sanctuary
« Reply #346 on: October 27, 2016, 08:24:22 PM »
I haven't really been a part of this community in a long time, but I don't really know where else to really go with this.
Spoiler for Hiden:
I'm stuck in my current life, and my current life is sickening and I have to go by every day trying not to think about the very real threat that it's all gonna come crumbling down any day.

My house has been gradually becoming a hellhole that's falling apart at the seams. Loads and loads and loads of junk everywhere, to the point that 70-80% of the rooms in this house are completely untraversable. Dishes are piled up all over, there's tons of trash on the floor, constantly finding loads of rotten food everywhere. Attempts to fix it up result in things being better for a day or week at the most, as my dad is absolutely unwilling to help and actively seems to be doing things to make it worse. The ceiling is falling apart from years of leakage that we attempted to stop to no avail. The fireplace, which connects into my room, is falling apart and we can't use it cuz it might just catch the house on fire. And last but definitely not least, one of the load bearing walls in the basement is mostly gone, fallen apart over the years. We could fix it but my dad is the one who controls the money and he's too apathetic to make a decision to do anything ever.

I also don't really feel comfortable around the people in my life either, on top of that. I live in an insanely conservative, christian area. Which isn't very nice as a transsexual who is agnostic. I'm very closeted around my parents as they definitely aren't very accepting of either. Although they'd definitely be more accepting than a lot of my other family members who live around here, and basically anyone here. I don't feel safe, or very welcome really. I only have one friend out here, and I don't get to see him in person too much. It just sorta leads to me feeling very alone almost every day.

I need to get out, I feel constantly awful in this environment. But...
I can't really go anywhere or do anything to help with it tho. I can't go out at all without my parents being there. I don't have my license and need my parents around if I want to drive, but they are rarely free for anything like that. While I could theoretically get a job like that, finding and applying for one in this situation is not really a thing that works. And I can't just walk, I live in the country, with no sidewalks to anywhere, and everything is not in walking distance anyways.
There's nothing I can really do from home to get money either tho. Any actual jobs I can do from home, I don't have the qualifications for. It's almost impossible to create things in this environment. The environment actively saps away my will and motivation to get things done. I've definitely been trying to make a game for awhile now, but progress is slow, and mostly happens lately when I am visiting a local friend. And any of these goals is insanely long term, and I have no clue how long I really have honestly.

I sorta reached my limit the other day...
I just sorta realized even more just how bad these living conditions are, and I cannot put it aside anymore in the hope that I can find a way to fix it.
I need an actual solution, not a "possible down the road" solution.

I've been heavily considering trying to raise money somehow...
Using something like gofundme or another option, if there is one
I hate the idea of asking anyone for money, especially without really any sort of thing in return
But I'm getting desperate
I need to do something, but I don't know exactly how do go about this
I've never done anything like this, does anyone know any sort of advice they could possibly give?
I don't know what all sorts of options are available for fundraising like this
And I don't know how to go about doing it effectively at all...

November 22, 2019, 07:56:25 AM
Reply #347

Offline bass44

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Re: Cutstuff Sanctuary
« Reply #347 on: November 22, 2019, 07:56:25 AM »
Seems like this place has long since been abandoned, I might as well say something...

Spoiler for Hiden:

Ever since my dad passed away in October, I've been wondering if this is what I deserve for all the bad things I've done to everyone here long ago.

Like this is my punishment for hurting those over silly things, like "not putting my shitty sprites in a huge sheet of MegaMan weapons" or the one that most people seem to associate me with
'the medals'. Every time I see that MM9 contributor medal, I'll always remember that I'll never be able to obtain it because I acted entitled for it. I wanted to become a member of the main development team because I felt like I was not getting the same level of respect and praise as the people who were on there were. When I did not receive that medal for not doing anything for that expansion that was truly worthy, I refused to play that version because I acted selfish.

My sprites (and me in general) were ignored by the community, and sometimes downright shat on by the "good" spriters who had the skills for the dev-team. That's what made me act aggressive and selfish, and now there are some people who still look at me as that person.

The main thing that I have trouble with is understanding what people are saying when they're giving me criticism. I can understand basic instructions like "move their arm down by 2 pixels" or "made their head wider". When people say things like "just imagine what it would look like", that's not helping. Even if you don't mean to sound like a smart mouth, it's not helpful at all. If I don't know exactly what to do, I have to just take guesses on how something should be drawn.
Sometimes I lose my temper over not being able to draw/understand the instructions, that makes people not want to help me with my projects when I eventually figure out what they meant and do it properly. This is how my autism disorder affects me, and some of those people blame that for why I'm a bad artist.

I've always tried to be a good person, or at least a decent one at best. Whenever I ended up hurting someone over something innocent like "being better than me at art" or "having more Cutstuff awards in their profile than me", I always try to make up for it 90% of the time. Some people who've been hurt by me don't see me trying to ask for forgiveness as sincere or apologetic. They see it as persistence or in some rare cases "stalking". I've always gone by the moral of "If you want something, keep doing whatever it takes to get it, and don't let anyone stop you".

In one case, it was me trying to get someone to be my friend again after a major confrontation happened.
It did not work, it only made them resent me even more. After months and months of trying to convince them that I changed, they just blocked me on every website.
I thought I could get some people to help, but all they did was just tell me to "leave them alone", that's what I did. To this very day, I'm still blocked by them on nearly everything.
And, from what I can tell, they're never going to "be my friend" ever again.

It is really, really heart wrenching to have someone who was once your friend develop a grudge against you because you hurt them over something, and then they don't believe you when you truly have remorse for your sins.

When I was 8 years old, or rather even to this day, there is a book that is scarier than any horror movie or anything that's ever been conceived. There was this one kid who found out I was afraid of it, and decided to pull a little prank on me with it that involved manipulating one of my friends. It was probably one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced. I was pissed off at my friend, ready to never talk to them again, that was until they told me about "that kid".

Ever since that day, I had a never ending grudge with that kid. About 6 years after that, I saw their name pop up on my Facebook feed and I thought "oh yeah, I wonder if they remember that little incident that happened in 2nd grade". I went onto their Facebook account to see if they were online, I saw a bunch of messages written on their timeline.
It turned out they died suddenly.

I was never able to apologize for holding a grudge over something so damn silly like scaring me with a book that would keep H.P. Lovecraft awake at night. Nothing is more devastating than not being able to make up and apologize to someone you've hurt when you're genuinely sorry for it.

Some people can be or say things that are very insensitive to someone like me. The "R" word, or jokes about short people for example are what really infuriate me to no end. Those people don't know what it's like to be what I am, they've never experienced the consequences for being something or having a condition that is completely out of your control. Another issue I keep facing is when I dislike something or have a different opinion of something for a reason that most people find ridiculous, they try to "correct me" and even after they've made their point, they still continue to put me down on it.

Whenever I face an injustice being directed at me or something that goes against my morals, I've always been one to call them out or fight until they get what they deserve. Perhaps this is being hypocritical to the whole "never hold a grudge" thing, but there's always a difference between people who don't want to change, and the people who do. Like I've stated before, I almost always remorse over a bad thing I do. 

Everything here is the reason why I have a hard time sleeping. It's insomnia but not the traditional way. It's like I can't fall asleep as soon as I get into bed so I just lay there for sometimes hours. When I'm not at the computer, the "bad thoughts" and memories flood back into my mind and there's no way to think about something else.

That's what karma is, you get hit with bad moments in your life when you cause bad moments in other people's lives, even if you regret/apologize for them.

Ever since 2016, things have just been getting worse and worse...

November 22, 2019, 09:39:52 PM
Reply #348

Offline TheDoc

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Re: Cutstuff Sanctuary
« Reply #348 on: November 22, 2019, 09:39:52 PM »
I've been lurking on Cutstuff for about a year before I actually made an account, barely ever associating with the people on the forum because I found enough of them to be dismissive, rude, and overall arrogant when interacting with people they aren't particularly chummy with. At first, I thought that perhaps it was my fault, but after being on here long enough and seeing the loads of drama on this forum over time, I've definitely changed my mind since then.

That being said, even with the zero interaction I've personally had with the community, I've seen people change over time to people that I believe I could have a normal conversation with, and even a couple that were publicly remorseful for how they've behaved in the past, and even though it by no means motivates me to dive into this community headfirst, I could at least recognize that people on this forum (and honestly, the internet in general), no matter how we interact with each other, were still people, and people have the capacity to change and be better, or at least different than how they were before.

So I say this, bass44, because you are one of those people that I've seen change. Even though I barely know you at all, I've seen enough to say that you have changed. Of course I'm sure there's plenty I don't know about in the background, what you've said or what you've done, but in my mind, those who are remorseful of their actions have more hope of changing for the better than those who cannot see their own shortcomings; the first (and sometimes hardest) step to conquering our faults is to recognize the faults are there. And you have. So lift your head up.

Also, without getting in to your religion or what you believe, doing good and being good solely in response to the gripping fear of karmic punishment is no different that being worked to the bone at a concentration camp. You just can't live in that kind of constant fear and despair and call it living; it's incredibly unhealthy for your psyche and it won't land you in a place of content. The world is unfair; bad things happen to good people all the time and vice versa. I think we should strive to do good because it can better the lives of others and draw in those who recognize that same goodness. It obviously doesn't always work that way, though, and sometimes "doing good" causes more pain than doing nothing. In these times, if you continue to believe that bad things happen because you weren't "good" enough, you'll drive yourself into the ground with nothing to show for it because bad things will always happen.

As important as becoming a better person is, it's also important to recognize who you are and own it. You are who you are today BECAUSE of your past choices. Stop thinking about what you could've done because you would have done the exact same thing, because that's who you were, and that can help shape who you are now if you choose to accept the past for what it is and believe that it will help you make a better future. Wish you the best.

November 23, 2019, 08:48:08 AM
Reply #349

Offline Ruzma

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Re: Cutstuff Sanctuary
« Reply #349 on: November 23, 2019, 08:48:08 AM »
I wish I knew what to say.

I've always been the worst at this...kind of thing.
It's followed me every step of my life, never being able to talk to people, make them feel good...or something...
I wish...I really wish I knew what the right thing to say in these types of situations was. Surely everything would have been better if I was able to, right?
There is one thing that remains sure. One thing.

You cannot fathom how much I relate to you.

I legitimately do not have my way with words enough to tell it properly. Being able to know what people think and having them know exactly how I feel have been a lifelong dream for me ever since...well, ever, really.

I've had this emotional sensitivity issue from birth. The time where it put in t he most uncomfortable situation of all, was when my grand-father died.
To give a little context, everyone loved him. But I...I never found myself feeling the same. According to what everyone has said to me, he was supposed to have been this super quirky guy, full of charm and whatever...
But you see: I never got the chance to know him as much. During all the years of my life, all he had been to me was this strange man who had lost the ability to talk and think straight. When he grew older, he had had this mouth and brain problem which rendered him utterly incomprehensible. Because of this, I never had any moment when I actively wished to spend time with him, because I had no idea what he was saying, what he wanted, and even then, most of the time, his mental condition made it any attempts at conversing completely nonsensical.

And then everyone started grieving and crying around me, my grandma especially (she still does to this day) and I just stood there, feeling both confused and like an asshole. I think it was real hard on my dad, who ended up really admiring his own dad and couldn't comprehend why I was hollow to it all. I had a talk with my mother after having been told the news. It'll probably stay in her mind and..."help(?)" her in defining me forever. IT was helpful, because I tried to explain how I simply never had been given a chance to relate, having never known him as this charmer everyone was telling me he was. I dodged a mountain sized bullet on the day my grandmother cried on me and started accusing me of not caring. It took the act of crying myself and telling her why I simply hadn't been able and wouldn't have been able o share her grief in any capacity to calm her down.

As I am telling you this, this problem of not being able to explicitly or outwardly care has landed me in pretty bad spots with the people around me. I have little to no relatable friends. I don't enjoy time spent with family members as much as other people do, I'm sure. I feel like an ungrateful brat.

I feel lonely. So very, very lonely. It's probably at the core of who I am at this point, this solitude.

In response to your own troubles, just know that I cannot stop myself from admiring you, my friend. I actively envy your skills and wish I could be as proactive, I really, really do.
There are loads of new people out there now, that most likely look up to yourself as much as I do...This is a chance to make some new friends, that are interested in you, really.

I'll always, ALWAYS support you in what you do, read that? Always.
If there's one thing that has paid off, that does pay off, that always will and always should, it's powering through things and through life itself. Just do like those kitty poster, and hang on.
Others are going through it just as you are. It took me time to realize this for myself, so here I am, telling you.

I...hope...that I was able to give a good idea of how I feel, and that I did a right thing. I'll be seeing you, on whatever other endeavor you are on. Don't ever believe that what you do has no point. Just as trying to put more into crying is pointless, sulking on one's life regrets has never lead anyone towards the right place.

All my encouragements and have a good day, friend!