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Cutstuff Sanctuary

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I got banned for trolling about 10 years ago on this forum, I did alot of stupid shit but the most egregious offense I can see is that I never put spaces after my punctuation. What the fuck was wrong with me Jesus Christ I know I was 10 years old but fuck me that shits inexcusable.

are u guys okay jesus christ did this game damage us THAT much


--- Quote from: Bikdark on March 01, 2022, 11:59:48 PM ---are u guys okay jesus christ did this game damage us THAT much

--- End quote ---
he's got a point

Colour my surprise when going through memory lane, I find an old post I made as the most recent reply for a section on this forum. I doubt many people still check it out, so I think I will actually use this time to air out something that's been on my mind recently.

(click to show/hide)I don't think I have been or ever can physically miss someone. Sadly, this is a discovery that came at the cost of my brother's life 4 months ago.

Imagine my surprise when getting news that my brother, who is working in the US to specialize as a doctor there, has hung himself only a year away from specializing. Imagine how someone would feel knowing that they will have to go and see that place where their brother did that, a place you went to visit just 6 months earlier for his birthday. Imagine having to pack up every last thing he had, most of which are things you remember sharing from your childhood together. Imagine being one of two family members who actually saw him before he was prepared for the funeral, body cold, blue, and swollen and a slight scaring around his neck. Imagine being front and center at every guest visit, conversation about him, wake and funeral, where everyone is telling you about how much he meant to them and sending their condolences. Imagine, after all of that, you don't feel one ounce of sadness or grief, or shed even a single tear for him, especially after him being the best older brother you can ever ask for and loving him more than almost anyone else in your life. He was an amazing brother, and I don't miss him? Worst yet, it's a bit of a struggle to even remember he existed.

Obviously, this isn't exactly something I can tell anyone else, especially when everyone I can say this to is quite the opposite. I've had a lot of time to think about it, which is when I had the realization that I've always done this. I remember so many people I've lost contact with, especially people I met through 8BDM, just because I forgot to message them after all these years. Heck, I even remember sticking up my old high school photo on my mirror specifically so that it would be easier to remember them because I hated how much I barely remembered the people and experiences from my previous schooling. Ironically enough, it didn't work, I look at that photo and I can't remember talking to more than half of them even though I know I had memorable experiences with every single one of them. I never thought much about it back in the day because I thought that's how everyone's memory with remembering people worked, but now I know this is something else ever since the loss of my brother.

Now that I know I do this, I'm scared of how the future will be. Is there a day when I struggle to remember my sister or my parents too? What about the few friends that have stuck with me all these years, if I were to go to a different country would I struggle to remember them too? If anything were to happen to my girlfriend of 5 years, the person who I want to ask to marry me in the coming years, someone who has already said yes even though I haven't proposed as yet, would I ever struggle to remember her? As much as it scares me, I am glad I know this now. I know I have to change the way I am with the people around me, and I know I need to work harder to be close. Heck, the only people I still talk to that I've met through 8BDM are the people who actively messaged me rather than me ever having to message them first. Sadly this is only about 5% of the amazing people I've met and learned to love talking to one-to-one. There's a lot to change about my life going forward, but I guess it really is taking it one step at a time, just taking a better look at my steps and path now.
That... actually felt way better to put into words than I thought. Huh, thank you past me for making this random post as a stupid teenager, I don't think you ever realised how much it could help you down the line.

This is something Iíve been heavily thinking about a lot now that Iím settled down. I think itís important I allow myself to be vulnerable one last time, for the sake of closure and healing, now that Iím in a much different place and understand myself better.

(click to show/hide)Iím hesitant to post this as I try to be mindful of who could be reading this, but I weighed the risk and know I write this out of gratitude, intending to make amends with an open heart.

Itís been some rough and humbling years. Now that Iím a capable, independent adult of my own, I wanted to explore the things I liked again. I finally donít feel like Iím just trying to survive anymore, and have been that way for some time. Iíve had the time and security now to rebuild my relationship with old hobbies, passions, and myself.

Having life be its mentor, earning a stable job, gone to two therapists and building a support group I can trust, Iíve spent a lot of time learning what I like again. Learning things that felt wholesome to me. Really observing how I talk to othersÖ also shedding away things I didnít like about myself as I aged and got older.

I looked back at my past. The good parts of it. I started making art again, this time holding no expectations and being disciplined. Drawing things that make me feel emotions, instead of getting attention or likes.

Along with other things that were only hurting me, I cut down on social media to just keeping in touch with loved ones, but I keep myself informed because I care about the world that we are in.

Then, I started looking into the music I enjoyed and researching them deeply. I started going out to meet people who shared these interests. To bond, genuinely, over those interests.

I opted to spend the holidays alone again, so I took a trip down memory lane.

I opened up MM8BDM. The same way I did when I was a kid, unbiased and curious.

I played alone for a minute and thought to myself.. ďThis isÖ awesome, actually. This is an amazing game, built by very dedicated people.Ē

Everything I was afraid of, nervous of, embarrassed of, things that I held grudges for or whatever petty stuff I was mad about that I associated with the game, despite it being unrelatedÖ I knew for sure it washed away.

Instead, I felt ashamed.

Ashamed that at some point, I had said things and hurt the people that helped create this great game. The people that I spent a lot of years with, devs and community members, having seen me at my highest and lowest and helped me during what wasóin realityóa very volatile and scary time in my personal life by just being there.

I had said some pretty ridiculous stuff to a couple of people, and I didnít realize just how foolish and weird I had sounded. I felt like I didnít respect the kindness that friends had given me. I didnít allow people a second chance, even though I knew we all made mistakes and as did I. Nobody is perfect and we are all always learning.

As I see things from a new light, I realize that the reason I still think about old friendships often is because I had always felt like I had owed them an honest explanation, while recognizing how they may feel. Iím done with burning bridges out of fear and running away. Of course, I understand friendships have changed and diverged, a natural consequence of past actions.

It is what it is, and Iím not alone anymore. However, regardless of where we stand, the people that I bonded with deserve an honest apology. One Iíve been mulling on for a very long time, not because Iím looking for forgiveness, absolutionÖ but simply because after much discussion with myself and loved ones, itís the right thing to do.

I needed to make sure I could trust myself to say this.

To those I had hurt before with my words and actions,

Iím so sorry. I miss you guys and that is why Iím so sorry and hold myself to be better wherever I go. Thank you to whoever knew me and is reading this, for once being in my life in some form.

If thereís anything that anyone has ever wanted to say to me, positive, negative, or wanted to discussómy discord is @slurpexe. Today was just a trip down memory lane, and Iím sure weíll all continue to move forward to where we belong, wherever it leads.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and may 2024 bring good things to you all.


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