Seems like this place has long since been abandoned, I might as well say something...
Ever since my dad passed away in October, I've been wondering if this is what I deserve for all the bad things I've done to everyone here long ago.
Like this is my punishment for hurting those over silly things, like "not putting my shitty sprites in a huge sheet of MegaMan weapons" or the one that most people seem to associate me with
'the medals'. Every time I see that MM9 contributor medal, I'll always remember that I'll never be able to obtain it because I acted entitled for it. I wanted to become a member of the main development team because I felt like I was not getting the same level of respect and praise as the people who were on there were. When I did not receive that medal for not doing anything for that expansion that was truly worthy, I refused to play that version because I acted selfish.
My sprites (and me in general) were ignored by the community, and sometimes downright shat on by the "good" spriters who had the skills for the dev-team. That's what made me act aggressive and selfish, and now there are some people who still look at me as that person.
The main thing that I have trouble with is understanding what people are saying when they're giving me criticism. I can understand basic instructions like "move their arm down by 2 pixels" or "made their head wider". When people say things like "just imagine what it would look like", that's not helping. Even if you don't mean to sound like a smart mouth, it's not helpful at all. If I don't know exactly what to do, I have to just take guesses on how something should be drawn.
Sometimes I lose my temper over not being able to draw/understand the instructions, that makes people not want to help me with my projects when I eventually figure out what they meant and do it properly. This is how my autism disorder affects me, and some of those people blame that for why I'm a bad artist.
I've always tried to be a good person, or at least a decent one at best. Whenever I ended up hurting someone over something innocent like "being better than me at art" or "having more Cutstuff awards in their profile than me", I always try to make up for it 90% of the time. Some people who've been hurt by me don't see me trying to ask for forgiveness as sincere or apologetic. They see it as persistence or in some rare cases "stalking". I've always gone by the moral of "If you want something, keep doing whatever it takes to get it, and don't let anyone stop you".
In one case, it was me trying to get someone to be my friend again after a major confrontation happened.
It did not work, it only made them resent me even more. After months and months of trying to convince them that I changed, they just blocked me on every website.
I thought I could get some people to help, but all they did was just tell me to "leave them alone", that's what I did. To this very day, I'm still blocked by them on nearly everything.
And, from what I can tell, they're never going to "be my friend" ever again.
It is really, really heart wrenching to have someone who was once your friend develop a grudge against you because you hurt them over something, and then they don't believe you when you truly have remorse for your sins.
When I was 8 years old, or rather even to this day, there is a book that is scarier than any horror movie or anything that's ever been conceived. There was this one kid who found out I was afraid of it, and decided to pull a little prank on me with it that involved manipulating one of my friends. It was probably one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced. I was pissed off at my friend, ready to never talk to them again, that was until they told me about "that kid".
Ever since that day, I had a never ending grudge with that kid. About 6 years after that, I saw their name pop up on my Facebook feed and I thought "oh yeah, I wonder if they remember that little incident that happened in 2nd grade". I went onto their Facebook account to see if they were online, I saw a bunch of messages written on their timeline.
It turned out they died suddenly.
I was never able to apologize for holding a grudge over something so damn silly like scaring me with a book that would keep H.P. Lovecraft awake at night. Nothing is more devastating than not being able to make up and apologize to someone you've hurt when you're genuinely sorry for it.
Some people can be or say things that are very insensitive to someone like me. The "R" word, or jokes about short people for example are what really infuriate me to no end. Those people don't know what it's like to be what I am, they've never experienced the consequences for being something or having a condition that is completely out of your control. Another issue I keep facing is when I dislike something or have a different opinion of something for a reason that most people find ridiculous, they try to "correct me" and even after they've made their point, they still continue to put me down on it.
Whenever I face an injustice being directed at me or something that goes against my morals, I've always been one to call them out or fight until they get what they deserve. Perhaps this is being hypocritical to the whole "never hold a grudge" thing, but there's always a difference between people who don't want to change, and the people who do. Like I've stated before, I almost always remorse over a bad thing I do.
Everything here is the reason why I have a hard time sleeping. It's insomnia but not the traditional way. It's like I can't fall asleep as soon as I get into bed so I just lay there for sometimes hours. When I'm not at the computer, the "bad thoughts" and memories flood back into my mind and there's no way to think about something else.
That's what karma is, you get hit with bad moments in your life when you cause bad moments in other people's lives, even if you regret/apologize for them.
Ever since 2016, things have just been getting worse and worse...
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