Cutstuff Sanctuary

[Mendez]

@Rozark

(click to show/hide)

It could be manic depression a.k.a. bipolar disorder, but I'm not sure.
There's plenty of articles on it, so maybe you can google it sometime.

As for me

(click to show/hide)

It's funny how everyone mentions death when I've already lost an uncle and a grandfather in the past year. I know I should feel bad, but I rarely spent time with either person. I think it's because I've kept myself so sheltered that people hardly know anything about me anymore. They know I go to a lab everyday, and that I'm super smart, but that's where the story ends.
I'm not gonna consider myself boring, but I'm gonna consider myself a tiny bit sociopathic based on the way I lie and manipulate my way through life sometimes.
Last night, I gave a junkie $1 so he could bug off and he told me it was for a train ticket. He didn't even buy a ticket, he just walked away from the train station and looked for another dollar to fuel his addiction. I'd rather not talk about the bad thoughts it produced in my head, but damn if I didn't turn a bit more conservative that night.

[ambrose]

I haven't really been a part of this community in a long time, but I don't really know where else to really go with this.

(click to show/hide)

I'm stuck in my current life, and my current life is sickening and I have to go by every day trying not to think about the very real threat that it's all gonna come crumbling down any day.

My house has been gradually becoming a hellhole that's falling apart at the seams. Loads and loads and loads of junk everywhere, to the point that 70-80% of the rooms in this house are completely untraversable. Dishes are piled up all over, there's tons of trash on the floor, constantly finding loads of rotten food everywhere. Attempts to fix it up result in things being better for a day or week at the most, as my dad is absolutely unwilling to help and actively seems to be doing things to make it worse. The ceiling is falling apart from years of leakage that we attempted to stop to no avail. The fireplace, which connects into my room, is falling apart and we can't use it cuz it might just catch the house on fire. And last but definitely not least, one of the load bearing walls in the basement is mostly gone, fallen apart over the years. We could fix it but my dad is the one who controls the money and he's too apathetic to make a decision to do anything ever.

I also don't really feel comfortable around the people in my life either, on top of that. I live in an insanely conservative, christian area. Which isn't very nice as a transsexual who is agnostic. I'm very closeted around my parents as they definitely aren't very accepting of either. Although they'd definitely be more accepting than a lot of my other family members who live around here, and basically anyone here. I don't feel safe, or very welcome really. I only have one friend out here, and I don't get to see him in person too much. It just sorta leads to me feeling very alone almost every day.

I need to get out, I feel constantly awful in this environment. But...
I can't really go anywhere or do anything to help with it tho. I can't go out at all without my parents being there. I don't have my license and need my parents around if I want to drive, but they are rarely free for anything like that. While I could theoretically get a job like that, finding and applying for one in this situation is not really a thing that works. And I can't just walk, I live in the country, with no sidewalks to anywhere, and everything is not in walking distance anyways.
There's nothing I can really do from home to get money either tho. Any actual jobs I can do from home, I don't have the qualifications for. It's almost impossible to create things in this environment. The environment actively saps away my will and motivation to get things done. I've definitely been trying to make a game for awhile now, but progress is slow, and mostly happens lately when I am visiting a local friend. And any of these goals is insanely long term, and I have no clue how long I really have honestly.

I sorta reached my limit the other day...
I just sorta realized even more just how bad these living conditions are, and I cannot put it aside anymore in the hope that I can find a way to fix it.
I need an actual solution, not a "possible down the road" solution.

I've been heavily considering trying to raise money somehow...
Using something like gofundme or another option, if there is one
I hate the idea of asking anyone for money, especially without really any sort of thing in return
But I'm getting desperate
I need to do something, but I don't know exactly how do go about this
I've never done anything like this, does anyone know any sort of advice they could possibly give?
I don't know what all sorts of options are available for fundraising like this
And I don't know how to go about doing it effectively at all...

[bass44]

Seems like this place has long since been abandoned, I might as well say something...

(click to show/hide)

Ever since my dad passed away in October, I've been wondering if this is what I deserve for all the bad things I've done to everyone here long ago.

Like this is my punishment for hurting those over silly things, like "not putting my shitty sprites in a huge sheet of MegaMan weapons" or the one that most people seem to associate me with
'the medals'. Every time I see that MM9 contributor medal, I'll always remember that I'll never be able to obtain it because I acted entitled for it. I wanted to become a member of the main development team because I felt like I was not getting the same level of respect and praise as the people who were on there were. When I did not receive that medal for not doing anything for that expansion that was truly worthy, I refused to play that version because I acted selfish.

My sprites (and me in general) were ignored by the community, and sometimes downright shat on by the "good" spriters who had the skills for the dev-team. That's what made me act aggressive and selfish, and now there are some people who still look at me as that person.

The main thing that I have trouble with is understanding what people are saying when they're giving me criticism. I can understand basic instructions like "move their arm down by 2 pixels" or "made their head wider". When people say things like "just imagine what it would look like", that's not helping. Even if you don't mean to sound like a smart mouth, it's not helpful at all. If I don't know exactly what to do, I have to just take guesses on how something should be drawn.
Sometimes I lose my temper over not being able to draw/understand the instructions, that makes people not want to help me with my projects when I eventually figure out what they meant and do it properly. This is how my autism disorder affects me, and some of those people blame that for why I'm a bad artist.

I've always tried to be a good person, or at least a decent one at best. Whenever I ended up hurting someone over something innocent like "being better than me at art" or "having more Cutstuff awards in their profile than me", I always try to make up for it 90% of the time. Some people who've been hurt by me don't see me trying to ask for forgiveness as sincere or apologetic. They see it as persistence or in some rare cases "stalking". I've always gone by the moral of "If you want something, keep doing whatever it takes to get it, and don't let anyone stop you".

In one case, it was me trying to get someone to be my friend again after a major confrontation happened.
It did not work, it only made them resent me even more. After months and months of trying to convince them that I changed, they just blocked me on every website.
I thought I could get some people to help, but all they did was just tell me to "leave them alone", that's what I did. To this very day, I'm still blocked by them on nearly everything.
And, from what I can tell, they're never going to "be my friend" ever again.

It is really, really heart wrenching to have someone who was once your friend develop a grudge against you because you hurt them over something, and then they don't believe you when you truly have remorse for your sins.

When I was 8 years old, or rather even to this day, there is a book that is scarier than any horror movie or anything that's ever been conceived. There was this one kid who found out I was afraid of it, and decided to pull a little prank on me with it that involved manipulating one of my friends. It was probably one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced. I was pissed off at my friend, ready to never talk to them again, that was until they told me about "that kid".

Ever since that day, I had a never ending grudge with that kid. About 6 years after that, I saw their name pop up on my Facebook feed and I thought "oh yeah, I wonder if they remember that little incident that happened in 2nd grade". I went onto their Facebook account to see if they were online, I saw a bunch of messages written on their timeline.
It turned out they died suddenly.

I was never able to apologize for holding a grudge over something so damn silly like scaring me with a book that would keep H.P. Lovecraft awake at night. Nothing is more devastating than not being able to make up and apologize to someone you've hurt when you're genuinely sorry for it.

Some people can be or say things that are very insensitive to someone like me. The "R" word, or jokes about short people for example are what really infuriate me to no end. Those people don't know what it's like to be what I am, they've never experienced the consequences for being something or having a condition that is completely out of your control. Another issue I keep facing is when I dislike something or have a different opinion of something for a reason that most people find ridiculous, they try to "correct me" and even after they've made their point, they still continue to put me down on it.

Whenever I face an injustice being directed at me or something that goes against my morals, I've always been one to call them out or fight until they get what they deserve. Perhaps this is being hypocritical to the whole "never hold a grudge" thing, but there's always a difference between people who don't want to change, and the people who do. Like I've stated before, I almost always remorse over a bad thing I do. 

Everything here is the reason why I have a hard time sleeping. It's insomnia but not the traditional way. It's like I can't fall asleep as soon as I get into bed so I just lay there for sometimes hours. When I'm not at the computer, the "bad thoughts" and memories flood back into my mind and there's no way to think about something else.

That's what karma is, you get hit with bad moments in your life when you cause bad moments in other people's lives, even if you regret/apologize for them.

Ever since 2016, things have just been getting worse and worse...

[TheDoc]

I've been lurking on Cutstuff for about a year before I actually made an account, barely ever associating with the people on the forum because I found enough of them to be dismissive, rude, and overall arrogant when interacting with people they aren't particularly chummy with. At first, I thought that perhaps it was my fault, but after being on here long enough and seeing the loads of drama on this forum over time, I've definitely changed my mind since then.

That being said, even with the zero interaction I've personally had with the community, I've seen people change over time to people that I believe I could have a normal conversation with, and even a couple that were publicly remorseful for how they've behaved in the past, and even though it by no means motivates me to dive into this community headfirst, I could at least recognize that people on this forum (and honestly, the internet in general), no matter how we interact with each other, were still people, and people have the capacity to change and be better, or at least different than how they were before.

So I say this, bass44, because you are one of those people that I've seen change. Even though I barely know you at all, I've seen enough to say that you have changed. Of course I'm sure there's plenty I don't know about in the background, what you've said or what you've done, but in my mind, those who are remorseful of their actions have more hope of changing for the better than those who cannot see their own shortcomings; the first (and sometimes hardest) step to conquering our faults is to recognize the faults are there. And you have. So lift your head up.

Also, without getting in to your religion or what you believe, doing good and being good solely in response to the gripping fear of karmic punishment is no different that being worked to the bone at a concentration camp. You just can't live in that kind of constant fear and despair and call it living; it's incredibly unhealthy for your psyche and it won't land you in a place of content. The world is unfair; bad things happen to good people all the time and vice versa. I think we should strive to do good because it can better the lives of others and draw in those who recognize that same goodness. It obviously doesn't always work that way, though, and sometimes "doing good" causes more pain than doing nothing. In these times, if you continue to believe that bad things happen because you weren't "good" enough, you'll drive yourself into the ground with nothing to show for it because bad things will always happen.

As important as becoming a better person is, it's also important to recognize who you are and own it. You are who you are today BECAUSE of your past choices. Stop thinking about what you could've done because you would have done the exact same thing, because that's who you were, and that can help shape who you are now if you choose to accept the past for what it is and believe that it will help you make a better future. Wish you the best.

[Ruzma]

I wish I knew what to say.

I've always been the worst at this...kind of thing.
It's followed me every step of my life, never being able to talk to people, make them feel good...or something...
I wish...I really wish I knew what the right thing to say in these types of situations was. Surely everything would have been better if I was able to, right?
However.
There is one thing that remains sure. One thing.

You cannot fathom how much I relate to you.

I legitimately do not have my way with words enough to tell it properly. Being able to know what people think and having them know exactly how I feel have been a lifelong dream for me ever since...well, ever, really.

I've had this emotional sensitivity issue from birth. The time where it put in t he most uncomfortable situation of all, was when my grand-father died.
To give a little context, everyone loved him. But I...I never found myself feeling the same. According to what everyone has said to me, he was supposed to have been this super quirky guy, full of charm and whatever...
But you see: I never got the chance to know him as much. During all the years of my life, all he had been to me was this strange man who had lost the ability to talk and think straight. When he grew older, he had had this mouth and brain problem which rendered him utterly incomprehensible. Because of this, I never had any moment when I actively wished to spend time with him, because I had no idea what he was saying, what he wanted, and even then, most of the time, his mental condition made it any attempts at conversing completely nonsensical.

And then everyone started grieving and crying around me, my grandma especially (she still does to this day) and I just stood there, feeling both confused and like an asshole. I think it was real hard on my dad, who ended up really admiring his own dad and couldn't comprehend why I was feeling...so hollow to it all. I had a talk with my mother after having been told the news. It'll probably stay in her mind and..."help(?)" her in defining me forever. IT was helpful, because I tried to explain how I simply never had been given a chance to relate, having never known him as this charmer everyone was telling me he was. I dodged a mountain sized bullet on the day my grandmother cried on me and started accusing me of not caring. It took the act of crying myself and telling her why I simply hadn't been able and wouldn't have been able o share her grief in any capacity to calm her down.

As I am telling you this, this problem of not being able to explicitly or outwardly care has landed me in pretty bad spots with the people around me. I have little to no relatable friends. I don't enjoy time spent with family members as much as other people do, I'm sure. I feel like an ungrateful brat.

I feel lonely. So very, very lonely. It's probably at the core of who I am at this point, this solitude.

In response to your own troubles, just know that I cannot stop myself from admiring you, my friend. I actively envy your skills and wish I could be as proactive, I really, really do.
There are loads of new people out there now, that most likely look up to yourself as much as I do...This is a chance to make some new friends, that are interested in you, really.

I'll always, ALWAYS support you in what you do, read that? Always.
If there's one thing that has paid off, that does pay off, that always will and always should, it's powering through things and through life itself. Just do like those kitty poster, and hang on.
Others are going through it just as you are. It took me time to realize this for myself, so here I am, telling you.

I...hope...that I was able to give a good idea of how I feel, and that I did a right thing. I'll be seeing you, on whatever other endeavor you are on. Don't ever believe that what you do has no point. Just as trying to put more into crying is pointless, sulking on one's life regrets has never lead anyone towards the right place.

All my encouragements and have a good day, friend!

[bass44]

1 year later huh? Seems like just a few days ago.

(click to show/hide)

I never thought it would have happened, but it did. The person who I never thought would forgive me ended up doing so, completely out of the blue. Do you think dreams come true? Because
this is now bridging the gap between dreams and reality. I was amazed that not only that, but I was sworn into moderation on the unofficial 8BDM discord server. The one that I was banned from because I was shrouded in a cloud of hatred and pride. The cloud had cleared long enough for me to be able to keep my cool in bad situations. More or less, I've cleaned up a few bad messes in the chatrooms, and really helped make it more welcoming to people than what it was when I first joined. My dream was to be respected among the community, and what I thought I had to do was be a part of the main game's development team. In reality, all I had to do was be a good person. And at the end of day, it doesn't matter how good your art is, or how many medals you have.

Ever hear the term "if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours."?
That doesn't mean you should throw a 100 dollar bill in a paper shredder because it'll magically reappear. But I mean like, if someone doesn't want to talk to you because you hurt them, you should leave them alone. If they decide they'll be your friend again, that means they've given you another chance, another opportunity to change. The difference between me and other people who were banned from the server (or cutstuff in general) is that I learned from my deeds. I made sure not to do them again, and learned why it's wrong to do those things.

It's been a whole year since my father (stepfather turned out) had passed away. Things have not been going better or worse since then. I guarantee you he would have been much worse off if he had been alive to see this pandemic. Either he would have been too paranoid to go outside, or he would have not worn a mask because it bothered his face (which is somewhat understandable). I just know that he would have come home with the virus and proceeded to spread it to my mother and I. I honestly don't think I would have survived a case of it, my body is extremely weak as is (haven't visited a doctor in a year). I never learned how to drive, and my mom has a lot of phobias surrounding being able to do things. I can't blame her for it, because it's a real serious thing. I'd be able to tell if she was faking it, because my dad was like that a lot. My sister came over just today and asked to move in, this is a huge benefit to both of us because we have an escort to places like the big grocery store or a doctor's office, or anywhere really. They weren't nice to me when I was a kid, but that was just their teenage attitude shining. I can trust them as much as a best friend now, even if sometimes they ramble on about themselves too much. Believe me, what they did was not unforgivable.

I shouldn't feel uncomfortable for being openly bisexual, everyone I know is ok with it. I even told my mom and she was apathetic about it (better than nothing right?). You see the problem is that there are in fact people on this planet who think that my orientation is "more privileged" because I'm attracted to both men and women (and NB people of course). If I were to be with a woman out on a pride parade, there would be someone saying "what's a straight couple doing here?" if I was not wearing any flags (I would anyway tho). I thought LGBT was supposed to be accepting of each other? Instead, you have these TERF lesbians who run around saying that killing all men will solve the world's problems, and they blame abused women on their attraction to men (this includes bi women). I'd hate to hear what they'd say about bisexual men. Oh wait that's right, they're misogynist because they're attracted to women. I don't need to say "not all men", however, these "misandrists" think they can run around saying shit like "all men are pedophiles" like they're self riotous and anyone who calls them out on it is "part of the problem". Like I don't care if someone dislikes men because of their history with them, but them going around making it their entire fucking personality and unironically identifying themselves as a hateful person, then that makes them no better than those Reddit "nice guys".

The lesson here? Don't shroud yourself with hatred. When I was younger, I was bullied by tall people because I'm short. Does that mean I can go around saying "all tall people should be executed because they hurt me in the past"? No, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't call out bullying when you see it happening in front of you.

Oh and ACAB is different because people aren't born police officers, they become them. They choose to become oppressors by their own will. The concept of police are not to inherently solve problems, but to enforce laws that the area they live in. Do you think if facial hair was illegal, they'd be handcuffing people who have mustaches and beards because they couldn't afford to shave? I guarantee that's what would happen.

One more thing, please wear your masks. That's all I'm asking for.

[*Alice]

I am really not good with words and don't know if I will even submit this post.

So yesterday when using my browser, the URL bar suggestions showed me this website and I thought I might as well check it out again. I read the last page or two of the Anything Goes thread and stumbled over Turbodude's post about this forum being kind of an archive of past selves

Looking at my past posts I have to say that reading my old posts was a terrible experience. I wonder if they represent how I was like properly or if it's more of a matter of me just having been plain terrible at conversing in text. It's a miracle that I ended up having people actually like and appreciate me in this community - although a lot of my interactions were also off-forum and maybe I was different on skype? I honestly didn't notice myself changing between, say, 2016 and now (2021) but I definitely must have, to a big degree.

I guess one of the main things about me that did happen over the last few years is that I ended up being very scared of conflict and ended up being a lot more reluctant to even say anything in messages or posts - especially in terms of voicing disagreement. I guess that's a good thing and a sign of personal growth? But at times it feels almost unhealthy.

Other things that come to mind: It seems like in the end, I now still have regular-ish contact to three of my friends from here, and even them I struggle to confidently call friends. I've never been good at keeping friends close so that's nothing unexpected but it's still kind of sad - but there's of course also always external factors that influence things like that. I still think they're still overall friends though.

But I am thankful for everyone here who was ever friends with me or even just talked to me occasionally - this community was the first community online I was ever part of and where I learnt and grew a lot. If you read this, and remember be (or maybe not), and wanna talk to me about the good old days or whatever, my discord user name is in the website link on my profile / the globe icon below my avatar. I'm honestly kind of paranoid about it getting indexed in Google or whatever since I'm *that* embarrassed of what 18-21 year old me posted so I'm not posting it in the open.

[Gumballtoid]

I think I speak for many of us in saying that you're hardly the only person who has regrets over the things they've said and done in past years. I can't help but cringe when I think back on the way I used to carry myself around here: I was hypersensitive, petty, and had little to no grasp of online etiquette, which led to a lot of senseless bickering and unnecessary grief for myself and others.

Still, I've always been of the mind that identifying and acknowledging past mistakes is a definite sign of personal growth. I think that's something to be proud of, especially if you take the steps to avoid making those very mistakes again. This goes for everyone: be confident and don't sell yourself short, but always have a willingness to learn and grow.

All that besides, those tumultuous years helped me get to know a lot of great people--some of whom I've had the privilege of meeting in-person, and those relationships have helped me build a sort of backbone when it comes to the way I carry myself nowadays. I'm very grateful to those that accepted or even tolerated me, even when I was at my worst.

[Rozark]

I legit used standalone lowercase i's in sentences about a decade ago and that bothers me.

[Turbodude]

I know this forum is dead as a doornail, but there's been somethings that have crept in the back of my head over the last few years, may it be from my inability to let go of my past transgressions or a need of closure.

(click to show/hide)

I was not a good person many years ago. I know I've made a lot of friends on here, and I'm so thankful that I'm still in touch with on discord and other places, but I was not a good person when most of you knew me. I'm not going to put the blame on me going through a lot of things in my life at the time, I am putting the blame on myself and the stupid kid I was. I was a smart-alec, hormonal, and in some earlier cases, legitimately hurtful person.

I talked this over with ABBB (Action Bastard Bastard Beam/Tomo Takino Go Go Go!/Combotron) as well as Mendez in some servers not too long ago, there was a lot about life that I did not understand and I acted out in a way that my current self would find deplorable. There was a user that used to be on Cutstuff that I remember being in a call with over Skype, back before we had a multitude of Skype groups for Cutstuff/8BDM, and I remember saying to others, and I believe these forums...some very awful and transphobic things. I did not understand what being trans was, especially not to the extent that I do now, where I myself am now trans (nonbinary, they/them). That being said, the memory and thought of me saying these things to a genuinely nice person, or anybody for that matter...it has me wracked with guilt. I will not name this person for the sake of their privacy, but if this person is reading this, please know that I am so...SO sorry for who I was in the past, and I am genuinely happy for the good you have done for others in the past and present.

This goes for all of you, really, for anybody that I may have wronged in the past when I was a stupid teenager. I'm sorry for my rudeness, for thinking I was hot shit, and not being a better person to you all. I hope that this can bring closure on who I was back then, and to offer my genuine apologies now to anybody I may have done wrong to.

[Dogcheese]

I got banned for trolling about 10 years ago on this forum, I did alot of stupid shit but the most egregious offense I can see is that I never put spaces after my punctuation. What the fuck was wrong with me Jesus Christ I know I was 10 years old but fuck me that shits inexcusable.

[Bikdark]

are u guys okay jesus christ did this game damage us THAT much

[HeelNavi]

are u guys okay jesus christ did this game damage us THAT much

he's got a point

[CDRom11_2007]

Colour my surprise when going through memory lane, I find an old post I made as the most recent reply for a section on this forum. I doubt many people still check it out, so I think I will actually use this time to air out something that's been on my mind recently.

(click to show/hide)

I don't think I have been or ever can physically miss someone. Sadly, this is a discovery that came at the cost of my brother's life 4 months ago.

Imagine my surprise when getting news that my brother, who is working in the US to specialize as a doctor there, has hung himself only a year away from specializing. Imagine how someone would feel knowing that they will have to go and see that place where their brother did that, a place you went to visit just 6 months earlier for his birthday. Imagine having to pack up every last thing he had, most of which are things you remember sharing from your childhood together. Imagine being one of two family members who actually saw him before he was prepared for the funeral, body cold, blue, and swollen and a slight scaring around his neck. Imagine being front and center at every guest visit, conversation about him, wake and funeral, where everyone is telling you about how much he meant to them and sending their condolences. Imagine, after all of that, you don't feel one ounce of sadness or grief, or shed even a single tear for him, especially after him being the best older brother you can ever ask for and loving him more than almost anyone else in your life. He was an amazing brother, and I don't miss him? Worst yet, it's a bit of a struggle to even remember he existed.

Obviously, this isn't exactly something I can tell anyone else, especially when everyone I can say this to is quite the opposite. I've had a lot of time to think about it, which is when I had the realization that I've always done this. I remember so many people I've lost contact with, especially people I met through 8BDM, just because I forgot to message them after all these years. Heck, I even remember sticking up my old high school photo on my mirror specifically so that it would be easier to remember them because I hated how much I barely remembered the people and experiences from my previous schooling. Ironically enough, it didn't work, I look at that photo and I can't remember talking to more than half of them even though I know I had memorable experiences with every single one of them. I never thought much about it back in the day because I thought that's how everyone's memory with remembering people worked, but now I know this is something else ever since the loss of my brother.

Now that I know I do this, I'm scared of how the future will be. Is there a day when I struggle to remember my sister or my parents too? What about the few friends that have stuck with me all these years, if I were to go to a different country would I struggle to remember them too? If anything were to happen to my girlfriend of 5 years, the person who I want to ask to marry me in the coming years, someone who has already said yes even though I haven't proposed as yet, would I ever struggle to remember her? As much as it scares me, I am glad I know this now. I know I have to change the way I am with the people around me, and I know I need to work harder to be close. Heck, the only people I still talk to that I've met through 8BDM are the people who actively messaged me rather than me ever having to message them first. Sadly this is only about 5% of the amazing people I've met and learned to love talking to one-to-one. There's a lot to change about my life going forward, but I guess it really is taking it one step at a time, just taking a better look at my steps and path now.

That... actually felt way better to put into words than I thought. Huh, thank you past me for making this random post as a stupid teenager, I don't think you ever realised how much it could help you down the line.

[Rui]

This is something I’ve been heavily thinking about a lot now that I’m settled down. I think it’s important I allow myself to be vulnerable one last time, for the sake of closure and healing, now that I’m in a much different place and understand myself better.

(click to show/hide)

I’m hesitant to post this as I try to be mindful of who could be reading this, but I weighed the risk and know I write this out of gratitude, intending to make amends with an open heart.

It’s been some rough and humbling years. Now that I’m a capable, independent adult of my own, I wanted to explore the things I liked again. I finally don’t feel like I’m just trying to survive anymore, and have been that way for some time. I’ve had the time and security now to rebuild my relationship with old hobbies, passions, and myself.

Having life be its mentor, earning a stable job, gone to two therapists and building a support group I can trust, I’ve spent a lot of time learning what I like again. Learning things that felt wholesome to me. Really observing how I talk to others… also shedding away things I didn’t like about myself as I aged and got older.

I looked back at my past. The good parts of it. I started making art again, this time holding no expectations and being disciplined. Drawing things that make me feel emotions, instead of getting attention or likes.

Along with other things that were only hurting me, I cut down on social media to just keeping in touch with loved ones, but I keep myself informed because I care about the world that we are in.

Then, I started looking into the music I enjoyed and researching them deeply. I started going out to meet people who shared these interests. To bond, genuinely, over those interests.

I opted to spend the holidays alone again, so I took a trip down memory lane.

I opened up MM8BDM. The same way I did when I was a kid, unbiased and curious.

I played alone for a minute and thought to myself.. “This is… awesome, actually. This is an amazing game, built by very dedicated people.”

Everything I was afraid of, nervous of, embarrassed of, things that I held grudges for or whatever petty stuff I was mad about that I associated with the game, despite it being unrelated… I knew for sure it washed away.

Instead, I felt ashamed.

Ashamed that at some point, I had said things and hurt the people that helped create this great game. The people that I spent a lot of years with, devs and community members, having seen me at my highest and lowest and helped me during what was—in reality—a very volatile and scary time in my personal life by just being there.

I had said some pretty ridiculous stuff to a couple of people, and I didn’t realize just how foolish and weird I had sounded. I felt like I didn’t respect the kindness that friends had given me. I didn’t allow people a second chance, even though I knew we all made mistakes and as did I. Nobody is perfect and we are all always learning.

As I see things from a new light, I realize that the reason I still think about old friendships often is because I had always felt like I had owed them an honest explanation, while recognizing how they may feel. I’m done with burning bridges out of fear and running away. Of course, I understand friendships have changed and diverged, a natural consequence of past actions.

It is what it is, and I’m not alone anymore. However, regardless of where we stand, the people that I bonded with deserve an honest apology. One I’ve been mulling on for a very long time, not because I’m looking for forgiveness, absolution… but simply because after much discussion with myself and loved ones, it’s the right thing to do.

I needed to make sure I could trust myself to say this.

To those I had hurt before with my words and actions,

I’m so sorry. I miss you guys and that is why I’m so sorry and hold myself to be better wherever I go. Thank you to whoever knew me and is reading this, for once being in my life in some form.

If there’s anything that anyone has ever wanted to say to me, positive, negative, or wanted to discuss—my discord is @slurpexe. Today was just a trip down memory lane, and I’m sure we’ll all continue to move forward to where we belong, wherever it leads.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and may 2024 bring good things to you all.