This is something I’ve been heavily thinking about a lot now that I’m settled down. I think it’s important I allow myself to be vulnerable one last time, for the sake of closure and healing, now that I’m in a much different place and understand myself better.
I’m hesitant to post this as I try to be mindful of who could be reading this, but I weighed the risk and know I write this out of gratitude, intending to make amends with an open heart.
It’s been some rough and humbling years. Now that I’m a capable, independent adult of my own, I wanted to explore the things I liked again. I finally don’t feel like I’m just trying to survive anymore, and have been that way for some time. I’ve had the time and security now to rebuild my relationship with old hobbies, passions, and myself.
Having life be its mentor, earning a stable job, gone to two therapists and building a support group I can trust, I’ve spent a lot of time learning what I like again. Learning things that felt wholesome to me. Really observing how I talk to others… also shedding away things I didn’t like about myself as I aged and got older.
I looked back at my past. The good parts of it. I started making art again, this time holding no expectations and being disciplined. Drawing things that make me feel emotions, instead of getting attention or likes.
Along with other things that were only hurting me, I cut down on social media to just keeping in touch with loved ones, but I keep myself informed because I care about the world that we are in.
Then, I started looking into the music I enjoyed and researching them deeply. I started going out to meet people who shared these interests. To bond, genuinely, over those interests.
I opted to spend the holidays alone again, so I took a trip down memory lane.
I opened up MM8BDM. The same way I did when I was a kid, unbiased and curious.
I played alone for a minute and thought to myself.. “This is… awesome, actually. This is an amazing game, built by very dedicated people.”
Everything I was afraid of, nervous of, embarrassed of, things that I held grudges for or whatever petty stuff I was mad about that I associated with the game, despite it being unrelated… I knew for sure it washed away.
Instead, I felt ashamed.
Ashamed that at some point, I had said things and hurt the people that helped create this great game. The people that I spent a lot of years with, devs and community members, having seen me at my highest and lowest and helped me during what was—in reality—a very volatile and scary time in my personal life by just being there.
I had said some pretty ridiculous stuff to a couple of people, and I didn’t realize just how foolish and weird I had sounded. I felt like I didn’t respect the kindness that friends had given me. I didn’t allow people a second chance, even though I knew we all made mistakes and as did I. Nobody is perfect and we are all always learning.
As I see things from a new light, I realize that the reason I still think about old friendships often is because I had always felt like I had owed them an honest explanation, while recognizing how they may feel. I’m done with burning bridges out of fear and running away. Of course, I understand friendships have changed and diverged, a natural consequence of past actions.
It is what it is, and I’m not alone anymore. However, regardless of where we stand, the people that I bonded with deserve an honest apology. One I’ve been mulling on for a very long time, not because I’m looking for forgiveness, absolution… but simply because after much discussion with myself and loved ones, it’s the right thing to do.
I needed to make sure I could trust myself to say this.
To those I had hurt before with my words and actions,
I’m so sorry. I miss you guys and that is why I’m so sorry and hold myself to be better wherever I go. Thank you to whoever knew me and is reading this, for once being in my life in some form.
If there’s anything that anyone has ever wanted to say to me, positive, negative, or wanted to discuss—my discord is @slurpexe. Today was just a trip down memory lane, and I’m sure we’ll all continue to move forward to where we belong, wherever it leads.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and may 2024 bring good things to you all.
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