Cutstuff Sanctuary

[Mendez]

Yeah, I'd agree that imitating broken English is almost never out of tribute, especially if the person writing broken English finds it to be a flaw. There really wasn't any good reason to post that, but I assume Red has just presented himself as one of the people you can directly talk to about an issue you might have with people mocking you for broken English.
I still feel like there are a couple of people on the forum who like to take potshots at me whenever they can, but since I'm never very involved in the forum, I just avoid making a big deal about it. Conflict is inevitable, and so far this generation is struggling to confront it in a productive and honest manner. I get a feeling Shina's post was an attempt to undermine the issue being discussed, but that's never helpful for resolving any issues. Trying to sweep things under the rug only helps in the short-term, but leads to strained relations in the long-term. Good to see Stonefunk and others at least airing out their grievances.

[Ceridran]

"oooh, we joked about you but it's to be funnyyyyyy, loooool"

things like this and "but it's out of love" drive me crazy 'cuz it's always a shoddy coverup they just made up-- the same kind of people look at you like you've got three heads if you try to speak and think your existence is a funny joke

[Red]

Sorry for not quoting but I'm hoping the point gets across anyways

I only really wanted to tell you stonefunk that there was no ill intent there. Even if you feel like you are being mocked or being made out as a fool, that's not always the case, isn't it? Not everything is an attack, dude. Sorry if I sent you negative vibes or some shit.

edit because I just saw ceridran s post
I can assure you it's not a shitty cover up nor anything because if I just wanted to make fun of you and shit over you, I'd just do it and not really tell you in a forum nor anything. And that's clearly not my intention.

[Jman]

It's that time of the year again where my stress levels shoot through the roof. I really need some input on this. This might turn into a bit of a sob story, but I'll do what I can to keep the QQ to a minimum.

I've been feeling down lately. Not mildly depressed or anxious, but down in the dumps. Damn near rock bottom. I entered college three years ago feeling determined, optimistic, full of drive, and did pretty alright my first semester. Then I started failing classes - and it just got worse and worse from there. My gpa took a sharp curve downward halfway through my sophomore year. It got to the point where I lost major scholarships, nearly had my loans and grants cut, and had to change my major from CS to IT. This coming semester is pretty much my last chance. The reason I took a "break" earlier this year was to go cold turkey on games so I could focus on school. Games weren't the problem, though, as I found out. The real problem is that I'm just a terrible college student.

Those of you who have struggled with this before and won this battle, or never had trouble with it at all: please, what do I do? How do I get over this slump of thinking that I've worked hard only to find out that I've not even scratched the surface of what's called effort? How do I go from failing nearly all of my classes to making straight A's? Why am I asking YOU all of these questions?
Mermaid Man, where are you?!?

[*Alice]

Those of you who have struggled with this before and won this battle, or never had trouble with it at all: please, what do I do? How do I get over this slump of thinking that I've worked hard only to find out that I've not even scratched the surface of what's called effort? How do I go from failing nearly all of my classes to making straight A's? Why am I asking YOU all of these questions?
Mermaid Man, where are you?!?

No freaking clue. I started studying for a B.Sc. in CS and just dropped out after 2-3 semesters, because of things similar to what you described.

So I did something like (I live in Germany, things are kind of different here) an https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apprenticeship as a programmer instead (which I recently finished, yay!).

I already had a diploma that was roughly associate's degree level, though.

EDIT: I guess not having any loans and such helped. A semester cost like, what, $200 where I studied?

[Russel]

While I may not have any real solution to these concerns, I recommend turning to people at your college. Ask an advisor what you should do, find counseling.

I'm sorry if that seems really basic and straight, and may even be something you've already tried. I'm just not sure how else I can help you in this state.
My only remaining recommendation is to just quit school or finish what you can, take the winnings, and leave. Find work and build a life. Try again when you find yourself able to.

Life sucks sometimes and the best I can tell you is to bear with it and go with the grain.
I wish you the best of luck.

[Tengu]

While more difficult, it is possible to get a well-paying job and stuff without schooling. With how far you've come though, I recommend not taking that route. I think the worst time of my life was right after I made the decision to not continue college because the idea of crippling debt scared the living shit out of me. I felt terrible for the next year and I was full of regret. It took a lot of willpower to get myself back on my feet.

The fact of the matter is though unless you're happy, nothing is going to feel like it's worth it. Focus on yourself before anything else. Get help, talk to someone like a therapist. I've been through multiple. It may not feel like it helps the first few times but it's something you have to force yourself to get into the habit of doing, much like joining a gym and working out. If you ever need some heavy venting shoot me a message, I've got a lot of time to listen.

[Xhatahx]

I have flashbacks. But they aren't flashbacks of horrible, cruel events. They're flashbacks of embarrassing events. Even though they had no lasting effect, my subconcious treats them like they were the death of a family member.

And yet, when my grandfather died 8 years ago, I didn't mourn. At his funeral, I was just bored. I still don't feel any sadness. I was sadder when (spoiler) died in Star Wars Episode 7.

Something's really wrong with me.

[Kapus]

Did you have any real connection or closeness to your grandfather?

[bass44]

I have flashbacks. But they aren't flashbacks of horrible, cruel events. They're flashbacks of embarrassing events. Even though they had no lasting effect, my subconcious treats them like they were the death of a family member.

And yet, when my grandfather died 8 years ago, I didn't mourn. At his funeral, I was just bored. I still don't feel any sadness. I was sadder when (spoiler) died in Star Wars Episode 7.

Something's really wrong with me.

I lost my grandfather 9 years ago, I too did not feel any sort of sadness. I didn't realize how much it would've become important to me later in life when I felt left out during "bring your grandparents to school" days when I was in elementary school 7-8 years ago.

[Xhatahx]

Did you have any real connection or closeness to your grandfather?

Yes. I often visited him when I was young. One thing I vividly remember about him was that his last name* was the same as Spongebob's in Iceland(Svampur Sveinson) as weird as it sounds.

*Icelanders don't have last names

[BlastDaSky]

I never met my grandfather

[Myroc]

(click to show/hide)

I am absolutely and utterly terrified of death.

Death has always scared me to some extent. That applies to most people, I guess, it's quite a natural thing to be afraid of death. However it's never worried me as much as it does now. I guess I just didn't think too much of it earlier, death is inevitable but it's such a distant thing and I've always concentrated on the worries of the present too much to think about the worries of the future. This train of thought changed a few weeks ago, when my grandmother had a stroke.

My dad called me a little under two weeks ago to inform me of the news. According to him the stroke hit her pretty hard, but at the time she seemed to be recovering well in the hospital (As well as a stroke would permit anyway. She couldn't talk, but she was conscious and could respond to questions by nodding or shaking her head.) but last friday I got a call from my brother saying that her condition's worsened and she's started to have respiratory problems. Mostly everyone in the family dropped what they were doing and made their way to the hospital because it's become clear to everyone that unless a miracle occurs she's not long for this world, and it might had been the last chance we got to talk to her. When I got to the hospital... Christ, she was barely even conscious. I'll spare you the details on how the visit went because ultimately that's not the purpose of this post, but we never managed to get a response out of her the entire night. (Although it is worthy to note that her condition did improve ever so slightly towards the end. There is a miniscule hope that she might recover, but even if she does she'll never be the same.) More importantly though, seeing her in that hospital bed, knowing that she ultimately doesn't have much time left, made me think a lot about death in general, and in particular, the realization that I too will eventually be lying on that bed.

I am a logical person at heart. Always have been (even if I may not always act very logically). I believe that everything has a rational explanation and can be proved or disproved through science and reason. Because of this, I used to be pretty critical of religious thinking earlier in my life (still am, in fact, but I'm less of an asshole about it than I were back then). I am now suddenly much, much more understanding of religion, and a small part of me now also regrets not taking it up myself, because it's infinitely easier to come to terms with the concept of death as a religious person than as a logical one.

Science dictates that our consciousness is "nothing more than the absurd act of chemicals", the result of neurons firing off in our brains. When we die, that neural activity just... stops. From the scientist's point of view, there is no soul to be carried off to some other plane of existence. You as a person, all of your memories, thoughts, feelings, joys, fears, nightmares, dreams - just ceases to exist. It's not just an empty void where you feel nothing at all - you won't be able to comprehend that there IS a void, or that you're even dead to begin with - you won't comprehend anything at all. Our entire lives are based around our consciousness, our existence, and thus the very concept of non-existence, to feel or think nothing, is anathema to the human brain. The very thought of it, and the knowledge it's an inevitability just as the sun rises every day, terrifies me more than you could ever imagine.

This has kept me up at night ever since that hospital visit last friday. I'm writing this right now, almost 3 AM over here precisely because I am unable to sleep. Even knowing that I still have the majority of my life in front of me doesn't do much to bring me comfort, because I know that final day, the day where I lie in that hospital bed as my consciousness slowly drains away into nothing, is drawing closer with every year, every day, every second.

Jesus Christ, I don't want to die.

[Rui]

@ Myroc (don't read if you don't like existential crisis/fears)

(click to show/hide)

I was really worried if I was alone in that regard.

I, too, am afraid of death, and only realized through excessive thinking of my own mortality and that one day, I too, will die. I am scared of what will happen afterward and if consciousness does exist, if it'll last for eternity. The concept of an afterlife only makes me more anxious if it is never-ending and that I will one day reach a point of eternal boredom or knowledge. However, I was tired of spending up entire nights and not getting rest over it because I don't want to slip away my current life by thinking about things I cannot control.

So I did a little research.

If anything, at the very minimum, Death is peaceful. I read an article where people who experienced NDEs (Near Death Experiences) were suddenly no longer afraid of death. Why? They had a hint of what was to come, according to their words. It was euphoric and pretty much any fears they had were washed away. They also didn't even notice they were dead. Just like you said, if we are not aware that we are dead, then at least we have that ignorance to keep us comfort. If there really -is- nothing but void (though, honestly, from personal life experiences, I personally feel that there is something outside of a void.), then at the very least it's just that. Nothing. We will not feel it. If we do find a Creator or someone greater, or end up reincarnating or in the afterlife, then at the very least we are only pure energy and matter at that point, so any human fears and feelings will not be applicable.

I feel everything comes to an end. However, it does not mean our time is soon. We still have many years ahead and even if it feels it went by fast, then at least the time was certainly well spent. Worst case scenario, if it is soon, then I feel it's important that we come to terms that in the end, we'll be okay.

I cannot imagine the feelings you felt throughout that event with your grandmother but a similar thought process is what lead me to cherish life as way more than I ever did. I want to spend as much time as possible being alive. Even if things are terrible or if I am going through the most mundane and boring parts of the day, at least it's proof that I am alive and that I still have much work to do.

We're young. There is a time where we will have to ponder on it, but for now, we should try to enjoy our youth as much as possible.

my writing skills have really gone down the drain, huh.

[Rozark]

pip

(click to show/hide)

I hate my brain sometimes.
I can feel super great and undertake things people wouldn't dare try.
Undertakings comparable to high levels of masochism.
I suppose to some, that's the reputation they've built me on.
I'm okay with that. It's a.. well revered trait.
I really do have a lot of energy; it seems I hit it big there, so that's a plus.
There's confidence in there somewhere too, and that makes things even better.
The problem is, while there's amazing highs like that, a single, simple thought can send me super low.
I'm pretty sure I read about such a disorder before but its name eludes me.
One where you hit both ends of the spectrum pretty hard.
Oh well, it probably isn't that.
Anyways, the other night I started thinking of different outcomes to scenarios.
I was put into that position via some happy future thoughts.
Normally I find this fun and I get a varied amount of outcomes and can (usually) solve any problem thrown my way with such thought process.
Not this time.
Every single one of them was negative.
I tried turning things around, but as it concerned my future, I started to feel as if things were getting a bit hopeless.
I tried stopping, but my brain refused.
It just kept on going, trying to think of a way to not be negative.
It tried its damnest for some positive outlook.
It couldn't do it.
Even with college, I don't feel like I'll be able to accomplish the life goals I set for myself in the long run.
.
I've been feeling pretty crummy since then.
I could try to work towards them.
However, it was concluded that once "X" amount of time has passed, fulfilling the rest of them will become impossible.
"X" amount of time is finishing up pretty soon too.

As for the death thing, it's kind of like breathing or blinking.
If you think about it, you start to become paranoid and consciously aware of their existence.
That's when the problems start.
As long as I get my life goals completed, I suppose I'll be able to accept death more comfortably.
But for now, I would just rather not want to think about it.