@ Myroc (don't read if you don't like existential crisis/fears)
I was really worried if I was alone in that regard.
I, too, am afraid of death, and only realized through excessive thinking of my own mortality and that one day, I too, will die. I am scared of what will happen afterward and if consciousness does exist, if it'll last for eternity. The concept of an afterlife only makes me more anxious if it is never-ending and that I will one day reach a point of eternal boredom or knowledge. However, I was tired of spending up entire nights and not getting rest over it because I don't want to slip away my current life by thinking about things I cannot control.
So I did a little research.
If anything, at the very minimum, Death is peaceful. I read an article where people who experienced NDEs (Near Death Experiences) were suddenly no longer afraid of death. Why? They had a hint of what was to come, according to their words. It was euphoric and pretty much any fears they had were washed away. They also didn't even notice they were dead. Just like you said, if we are not aware that we are dead, then at least we have that ignorance to keep us comfort. If there really -is- nothing but void (though, honestly, from personal life experiences, I personally feel that there is something outside of a void.), then at the very least it's just that. Nothing. We will not feel it. If we do find a Creator or someone greater, or end up reincarnating or in the afterlife, then at the very least we are only pure energy and matter at that point, so any human fears and feelings will not be applicable.
I feel everything comes to an end. However, it does not mean our time is soon. We still have many years ahead and even if it feels it went by fast, then at least the time was certainly well spent. Worst case scenario, if it is soon, then I feel it's important that we come to terms that in the end, we'll be okay.
I cannot imagine the feelings you felt throughout that event with your grandmother but a similar thought process is what lead me to cherish life as way more than I ever did. I want to spend as much time as possible being alive. Even if things are terrible or if I am going through the most mundane and boring parts of the day, at least it's proof that I am alive and that I still have much work to do.
We're young. There is a time where we will have to ponder on it, but for now, we should try to enjoy our youth as much as possible.
my writing skills have really gone down the drain, huh.