Yo so basically back n the day in china people were all unhappy and like they wanted to rebel n stuff. Or maybe it was unify i forget whatever same difference tbh. There was this big war thing, and like three major dudes were wanting power. One was Cow Cow, he was a real jerk imo because he was always mean all the time. There was other guy named Luke Bay, he was an alright dude because he was very upstanding and everyone liked him. And then there was this other spliff his name was Sunny Quinn, aka Emperor Da of Wu (look it up thats his real name) he was alright I guess but personally I was never a fan of him because he wore funny hats and I mean what is the deal with that.
Meanwhile back in chinaland, Cow Cow was talking to the Emperor. He's like yo Emperor lets take over all these other provinces so we can have one big china it would be cool dude. The Emp was like yea sure, lets do it lol. So the great Cow Cow (he looks like this)
dat hat
Started waging war on the rest of China because he was basically a boss. One of his first victims was none other than Zhuge Lian- I mean, Huge Wang. Huge Wang was one of the first to send his forces to Cow. Cow was too strong though because he is a master. Huge died in ways more horrible than this story.
A courtier in service of the Emperor of Da Wu, the stalwart (yo google that its a cool word, impress all your friends) and upright Bei-bei-Lu-Gong-Fong-Morning-Star was looking forward to serving in his Lord's military. However before he got the chance he died of cholera. Oops!
And thus the War Machine that was the mighty Hat of Cow Cow pushed on. His army only keeps growing in power, his will and ambition endless. Another province goes down to him while he grows ever larger and full of blood. Will the good guys of china ever win at this rate?
It had all come down to the battle at Red Cliff. Cow Cow's boats were slowly encroaching upon Luke Bay and Emperor Da of Wu, their forces banding together to stop him. They hatched a plan to set fire to all his boats, however in order to suceed there needed to be one crucial element in place: an easterly wind that would spread the fire.
That wind never came. A few boats caught fire, but Cow Cow gladly sacrificed them for the greater good.
Despite their efforts Emperor Da of Wu and Luke Bay were overcome at Red Cliff, RIP.
'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WRIN!' Thus the general Cow Cow, lord of hats, was romantic enough to win the three king domes and be the cool dude of china for all time. the end, - william shakespear
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