Colour my surprise when going through memory lane, I find an old post I made as the most recent reply for a section on this forum. I doubt many people still check it out, so I think I will actually use this time to air out something that's been on my mind recently.
I don't think I have been or ever can physically miss someone. Sadly, this is a discovery that came at the cost of my brother's life 4 months ago.
Imagine my surprise when getting news that my brother, who is working in the US to specialize as a doctor there, has hung himself only a year away from specializing. Imagine how someone would feel knowing that they will have to go and see that place where their brother did that, a place you went to visit just 6 months earlier for his birthday. Imagine having to pack up every last thing he had, most of which are things you remember sharing from your childhood together. Imagine being one of two family members who actually saw him before he was prepared for the funeral, body cold, blue, and swollen and a slight scaring around his neck. Imagine being front and center at every guest visit, conversation about him, wake and funeral, where everyone is telling you about how much he meant to them and sending their condolences. Imagine, after all of that, you don't feel one ounce of sadness or grief, or shed even a single tear for him, especially after him being the best older brother you can ever ask for and loving him more than almost anyone else in your life. He was an amazing brother, and I don't miss him? Worst yet, it's a bit of a struggle to even remember he existed.
Obviously, this isn't exactly something I can tell anyone else, especially when everyone I can say this to is quite the opposite. I've had a lot of time to think about it, which is when I had the realization that I've always done this. I remember so many people I've lost contact with, especially people I met through 8BDM, just because I forgot to message them after all these years. Heck, I even remember sticking up my old high school photo on my mirror specifically so that it would be easier to remember them because I hated how much I barely remembered the people and experiences from my previous schooling. Ironically enough, it didn't work, I look at that photo and I can't remember talking to more than half of them even though I know I had memorable experiences with every single one of them. I never thought much about it back in the day because I thought that's how everyone's memory with remembering people worked, but now I know this is something else ever since the loss of my brother.
Now that I know I do this, I'm scared of how the future will be. Is there a day when I struggle to remember my sister or my parents too? What about the few friends that have stuck with me all these years, if I were to go to a different country would I struggle to remember them too? If anything were to happen to my girlfriend of 5 years, the person who I want to ask to marry me in the coming years, someone who has already said yes even though I haven't proposed as yet, would I ever struggle to remember her? As much as it scares me, I am glad I know this now. I know I have to change the way I am with the people around me, and I know I need to work harder to be close. Heck, the only people I still talk to that I've met through 8BDM are the people who actively messaged me rather than me ever having to message them first. Sadly this is only about 5% of the amazing people I've met and learned to love talking to one-to-one. There's a lot to change about my life going forward, but I guess it really is taking it one step at a time, just taking a better look at my steps and path now.
That... actually felt way better to put into words than I thought. Huh, thank you past me for making this random post as a stupid teenager, I don't think you ever realised how much it could help you down the line.
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