Jokes/Puns thread

[-FiniteZero-]

(This will only make sense if you've at least completed the first dungeon of LoZ: Majora's Mask)

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
"No, but I have Daku Princess in a bottle."

[Lighjing]

What are the reviews on the movie about a Talking Bear?

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It is impawsible to watch in one sitting.

[*Alice]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

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To get to the same side.

[Ceridran]

If this spoils Star Wars for you, what rock have you been under?

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Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?






To get to the dark side.

_________

What number do you call for in an emergency?

None. Numbers can't hear you, so I doubt they're going to come straight to help you in a dire situation.

[Jman]

Some of these jokes are so corny, we may need some dental floss.

Did you hear about the guy that got his left arm chopped off? Well, he's all right now.

[Goomba98]

(This will only make sense if you've at least completed the first dungeon of LoZ: Majora's Mask)

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
"No, but I have Daku Princess in a bottle."

Deku Princess*

[Dr. Crasger]

My ex-wife still misses me...

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BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER!

[*Alice]

Why doesn't Beed28 have a car?

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Because he already uses jellyportation!

EDIT:
Why doesn't Beed28 take the stairs?

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He prefers the Jellyvator!

[-FiniteZero-]

A man walks into a bar with two artificial feet. The bartender asks, "How'd you lose your feet?"
"I lost a foot from a car accident. Real horrible." The guy said.
"My god! How'd you lose the other one?"
"I wanted them to match."

[-FiniteZero-]

(double post because yes)

What did the moon say as it looked at Earth?
"I knew I left my planet out too long, it grew moldy!"

[Blutorus]

I'll just let this chill out here

[Dr. Crasger]

And now for something completely different....

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Instead of the regular question and answer joke or pun, here's an anecdote. It's not mine though; I just found it.


I got a Python story related to German: I punctured my lung when I was young, got a staph infection, and was miserable in the hospital, doped up on morphine. I asked my parents to rent every Python video in the store. Big mistake.

While "The Funniest Joke in the World" skit was playing I started uncontrollably laughing/coughing up blood. Coughing up blood was a good thing, because all the stale blood in my lungs was a bacterial breeding ground. But, it's extremely painful to laugh if you recently had a collapsed lung . The remote control was on a table with wheels, and when I tried to spasmodically grab it to turn off the funniest joke skit, it rolled away.

Then the thought occurred to me that I would die laughing watching a skit about people dying from laughter, which made it funnier. I had to hit the emergency button to page the Nurse, and I did so repeatedly. When she came in she was extremely concerned. I was in tears, blood on my face, jerking spasmodically, and unable to talk or breathe. Eventually I was able to choke-out "Turn... it... off!!"

And yeah, it turned out not to be such a bad thing. The nurses had been encouraging me to cough, and I had been refusing. The nurse told my parents that Monty Python did the trick, and my parents insisted I keep watching it. My fever went down after a couple days, and I was home with a Heimlich valve dangling out of my side after a week. I'm not a religious man, but I've known the healing power of Python.

[<geminibro>]

A borderline cheesy joke for everyone. And i think it's not safe for work in a minority, too.

Why did the cucumber turn pink, or a relatively light shade of red?

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It saw salad dressing. Ba dum, tssss...

[Beed28]

Hey, what's a phantom's favourite breakfast?

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Ghosted bread.

[Russel]

What did Wheel Gator say when he died?

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See you later, alligator.

I really need to stop.